(This blog post contains a description and link to sample materials for a relationship planning retreat.)
As a couple, my husband and I have learned to be world-class negotiators. We have honed our ability to discuss difficult issues and to negotiate differing needs over many years. A friend, married to a very mellow, accommodating fellow, once remarked, “You two negotiate everything! It must be exhausting.” Fact is, this is the only way we can do it. We are each strong-willed individuals with a well-developed sense of entitlement. Although both of us had opportunities to marry more accommodating, easygoing partners, somehow we felt obliged to hold out for this particular marital challenge.
After much struggle early in our marriage, we eventually came up with a creative solution: an annual planning retreat. Here is how it began: one evening, Charley informed me that in addition to his customary six-day workweek, he would be gone all day on Sunday as well. He would be attending a strategic planning retreat for one of his professional organizations. I retorted in total fury and despair, “How about a planning retreat for this organization: your family?” “Good idea,” said Charley.
And indeed, it was a good idea. Every year we go away for a weekend to reflect on our relationship and our lives. We think about our goals and dreams – both individual and shared ones – and we develop specific plans to insure that those goals and dreams can be realized. Although the idea for a retreat was born of outrage and frustration, it has become one of the most positive and important rituals in our marriage. We have maintained this tradition for twenty-five years. It has deepened our friendship and our trust. We have come to trust the process, to trust each other and to trust that there is room enough in the marriage to accommodate both sets of needs and wishes.
We always start our retreat the same way. Our Friday night warm-up consists of listing “Ten things I love about you.” We make our lists separately and then we read them aloud to each other. Charley always includes my smile; I always mention his buff fitness.
We each fill out a “Happiness Scale,” rating our current satisfaction with various aspects of our lives: Home, Work, Money, Family, Love, Community, Leisure, Health, and so on. We share and compare our responses. We note changes from one year to the next.
Next comes a goal exercise. Separately, we make a list of our life goals, dreams and ambitions. What do we each hope to achieve or experience in our lifetime? In the next five years? What specific steps could we take toward those goals in the next couple of years? We share our lists. We answer some additional questions, “What is going well in our relationship?” “What could use improvement?” and “What is one issue I would like to be able to discuss with you more easily, more comfortably or more effectively?” The responses to all these written exercises help form the agenda for our weekend of sharing and planning.
Next, we prioritize our issues and tackle them, item by item. We discuss each in an open-ended way first, identify additional information we might need, and then agree on the steps required to achieve that goal. Once we’ve decided on action steps, we write down who will do each task and by what date. We also calendar quarterly meetings to check-in about our progress and keep us on track.
During our retreat weekend, Charley and I review a number of other topics. We assess how each of our children is doing and what assistance they may need from us in the coming year. We intersperse our structured conversations with breaks for meals, some pleasurable exercise like a bike ride, hike or swim, and some good loving often followed by a nap.
In recent years, most of our planning retreats have been sweet and companionable. However, that was not always the case. In the early years of juggling two careers and caring for young children, Charley and I learned to follow our retreat structure and ground-rules scrupulously to avoid meltdowns over “hot topics” (like the ongoing struggle between Charley’s work schedule and my desire for more shared attention to family life).
Over the years our retreats have evolved. I gained skills and knowledge from the world of business and mediation that benefitted my clinical work with couples and also influenced my own marriage and negotiating process. The Interest Based Bargaining model of the Harvard Business School, the book, Getting to Yes, and consultation from Commissioner Joel Schaffer of the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service enriched our retreats to the point where I felt ready to share them with other couples. In collaboration with Lisa Stelck, co-author of The Working Relationship: Management Strategies for Contemporary Couples, we developed a retreat curriculum and began offering facilitated weekend planning retreats for groups of couples. Other professional colleagues and I have continued to refine the structure, the materials and the process. We call these weekends: “Sharing our Dreams, Planning our Lives Together.”
Please feel free to try out these materials at home with your partner or plan a private getaway and take them with you. * Use this blog site to share your successes, questions or concerns. And remember: for most of us, creating marriages that respect the “you,” “me” and “us” is an challenge as well as a blessing. Welcome to the conversation!**
* These materials are copyrighted and for personal, non-commercial use only. Any other use of these materials requires prior written permission from the Center for Work and The Family.
**If you are interested in participating in a future facilitated weekend retreat, please contact Leah Fisher at this website. Please note: these retreats are not appropriate for couples in marital crisis. They are designed to help couples in stable relationships strengthen their friendship, intimacy and collaboration.
